On my p's

I think i should just call this a period blog since i write on here most of the time whenever im on my period and feel all sad and moody and think about things more than usual.

In All Seriousness

Sometimes i think i should stop being happy, joking and laughing all the time around people. Whenever im serious about something most people cant tell especially by the way i say it. Not being serious for a while makes me feel like i dont know how to be serious and when i want to i say it in a jokeful matter which people dont realise.

16

I gave him food poisoning from the sandwhich i made for him. I felt so bad i even started crying in front of him even when a few days before i told myself i didnt want to be sad in front of him.

I had sex with him. I dont know what got to me. Maybe it was because of my period and i felt really horny or because i actually wanted to do it with him and really like him. I cant even say love yet either. Maybe a little bit but not fully. I dont know if i regret the decison i made. In a way i do, but again i dont????? I wish he stopped me and we talked about it with each other properly.

Loneliness

Why am I feeling like this again? I thought I would never feel like this again because it's a new school and I have my close friends but it's happening again. I'm always just there. There's no difference with or without me there. I only like going to one class since I have one of my close friends n another friend that I can talk to. But i still feel so lonely.

:)))))

hypocrite.

Seen

Breathlessness

Checking if I lost followers

Trying to respond to messages to please people

Nervousness

Heart racing

Personas

Did I do something wrong? Did they understand what I'm trying to say? Did I make them laugh?

Why is it seen did I write something wrong

Let me talk to you.

Doki Doki

He has my blog now. I gave it to him and hes most likely going to see this. Hey you - fuck you. <3

We talked about how we felt and i feel so bad for making him feel that way about how i acted around him at school. I dont want to say anything because i feel like itll sound like im just making excuses.

When people ask why i like him i say i dont know. There isnt anything major that makes me feel like a different person when im with him or we have this strong connection with each other but there are small things that i like about him which i think will slowly grow into something more later on.

I want to say these things to you in front of you but even now i still get shy talking about this things with you.

Ive told you how much i like your voice. When i say i can listen to it all day i really mean it. it just sounds so nice and soothing.

I like how whenever we hug each other really tight we almost fall over.

When we act like dumbasses together even when were so done with each other.

I like being able to kiss your mole on your neck.

When you hold my hand or just wrap your arms around my neck or waist makes me want to go close to you more.

When i can just be able to be near you and feel your warmth of your body.

When you play with my hands or just rub my back feels really nice and comforting.

When i get to hear your laugh especially from me makes me feel happy.

The way you look at me makes me want to kiss you all the time.

Those butterfly kisses you do on my cheek or hand makes me always laugh.

Its funny when you try to be 'romantic'.

You have really nice arms even if you think theyre sticks.

You have this nice scent of yours that smells nice whenever i hug you.

I like nestling in your chest since it feels warm and comfy.

I really appreciate  those deep talks that weve only had a few times rarely and i hope we could have more.

These are just things that i can think of now but i like you so so so so much and really do appreciate you even if i dont show it as much. Sometimes i feel like i wont be able to like you as much as you do to me but i want to be able to. I dont want you to think these are just empty words i say and i wanna show you i do care about you and like you. I know you get jealous of my friends and im sorry about being like that to you when im with them but i dont want to say more since you might think i wont do anything but i want you to know i do appreciate you even if i dont show it youll see i do on here. I understand how you feel about the way i am when i see you at school and im sorry. Im really sorry. Im also sorry that even though i want to kiss you all the time i dont because i get really self conscious about how i am in public. Even though its people we dont know and stuff its just how i am with things.

For now i want to enjoy how things are with you and with my friends and when were finished with school and out in the real world i hope were still together and then we can enjoy life even more together.

Dried River

It feels like I want to cry but I don't have anything left to cry.

Dare

I feel like I'm being just some girlfriend that gets jealous over everything especially when he kisses her cheek because of spin the bottle. ON THE FUCKING CHEEK WHATS WRONG WITH ME. He even said I kiss my friends cheek but not over spin the bottle. Not cause I did it just to have my other friend play, not because my friend who knows I'm in a relationship yet still asks me to kiss another girls cheek. I'll just get over it I guess. It was my first time getting jealous fully as well.

Lately I don't know if I'm being depressed or something. I've been tired and not eating much sometimes. I only eat sometimes when im out just cause people ask me to. Things are ok with my friends now but I don't know about him. Whenever we talk about things we don't like it always ends up being about how I am with my friends. I feel bad but it's just how my friendship is with them. It's so hard maintaining things all at the same time. I don't mind it because it's gonna happen but I don't know how I'm going to cope next year.

Comfort

We talked today and it felt nice being in his arms and his warmth again. I still feel the emptiness inside of me still but it didnt feel like that when i was with him again. My friend said that it seemed like i wasnt being appreciate of him and didnt care for him and thought if he was being possessive in a way. I dont know. But i do know that i should let him know i really do care for him even if i dont express it a lot. 

Approach Me

Im such a bitch. He does things for me yet i dont do anything back.I dont do anything to make him feel appreciated.





I fucked everything up - with my words and actions.

Ok

Am i being mean for saying im ok to people when im not ok yet when i say that i still want them to know im not? If i want them to know im not i should tell them right? But i dont want to. I want them to know themselves to see if they notice the small things about me. Im probably being a bitch for thinking that way..but even my own parents dont even know. My mum just thinks im sleepy when she sees my red eyes and i dont bother and just go along with it. Its not like shell really care anyways. I dont even remember the last time i cried in front of my mum and have her actually want to know whats wrong me with.

Get Away

I went on another break again. I thought that writing on this blog wouldn't make a different to things and i shouldn't bother but sometimes i want to let things out without having to talk to anyone. I guess this is my 'get away' to things.

Ive felt so sad and tired these days. I think i know why but then i dont know. Is it cause im going on my period soon or just having mood swings i dont know but ive just felt so lonely. Like theres something missing in me making me feel empty. It could be because of my boyfriend and because of my friends or just me as a person.

When she said her and my other friend noticed ive been feeling sad and that my smile is different made me happy because it let me know they realised ive been acting different even though i tried not to show. He didnt. I dont want to outright tell him im not ok but having him notice it himself like i do with him made feel like he wont be there for me but ill be there for him. Like why should i give him my heart when he wont to me? Maybe im just exaggerating but it just makes me want to scream at him and to be there for me even if i dont say anything.

Im being a selfish person. Only wanting my friends to be my own but i shouldnt feel like that. Ive only met them this year even though weve connected really easily and shared tears, laughter and moments i feel like somethings missing still. Did i give my heart too easily? I dont know but i should appreciate them being there for me but im acting so selfish.

Did i get together with my boyfriend too fast? Am i being immature? I wanted to be mature about it but it just happened but she would say other couples or these soon to be couples are mature about it for not doing things fast and it would make me feel like she was maybe indirectly saying him and i werent mature and didnt think things through. Im probably overthinking things but it just makes me feel like that. She knows weve had some problems lately but it makes me feel bad about it then making me regret but it makes me think of things at a better perspective and to realise other things about this relationship that i havent thought of.

Why does he keep feeling like he's just there. He knows i like him.He knows ill be there for him but he keeps thinking like that. Is everything in this relationship just romantic feelings? Nothing else? When people say things about having your boyfriend be your boyfriend but also your bestfriend it makes me think were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Thats it. Like we have moments together that are fun and we act like idiots and all but does he really know me? Like obviously he wouldnt fully know me but at least a part of me. Does all he just want to do is just kiss me and makeout? I just want to talk with him like how we could before. Talk about the deep stuff once in a while at least without judging each other or making sarcastic comments and joking around.

I cant tell if anything is getting better at home or not. It still feels the same but things are changing. They ask for my opinion but they dont take it into account still. Whatever. They can do what they want. Its already falling apart.

I just want to lie in bed all day and have not have to bother with anything.

Jigsaw

I think i know what i am now. I think ive come to a conclusion as to who i really am as a person. Not entirely but im putting the bits and pieces together and coming to a realisation. I dont know how he'll react but if he stays i know hes right for me - but if he doesnt...well i guess hes not the one. At least i have my friends there for me and thats all that matters.

Flutter

He kissed my cheek. He kissed my fucking cheek. HE KISSED ME CHEEK 5 TIMES IN ONE DAY!! DJGKDSHOGHEIRHGUHG When he holds my face and hugs me i cant take it. Its so warm and when he lets go, my hands slowly inches towards his wanting to hold it again. When he smiles, i smile. I like it when our feet are matched at the same time when we walk. I like when it when he tells me he doesnt care what other people say about us or if they look at us. I like it when he holds my hand tighter when theres a big crowd. I liked it when he fell asleep on me on the train.When hes not looking i like taking those small glances at him when he doesnt know and i smile to myself because of how happy and lucky i feel. I feel so breathless when we're so close.

Oh god hes just so beautiful.

Heartbeat

I wanted to die today. I wanted to die of happiness.
When he looks into my eyes i cant help but look away because i get so embarrassed.
I felt like crying tears of joy when he held my face and hugged me.
Why does he keep doing this to me? Its hasnt even been too long and hes making me feel this way.
Feel things ive never felt before and would never think i would feel them.
He makes me so happy.

Capability

Its so hard to keep friendships. I feel so bad when she messaged me saying we were drifting apart. I feel even more bad when i say that i feel closer to my new friends than to them but i cant help it. I feel more closer with my new friends that even though i only met them this year, it feels longer than that. But when i say that, i remember the times when me and them two would go out and have sleepovers and everything, but then i think to myself that they dont really know the real me at times. They dont know im more quiet and that the loud side of me is either a facade or if im laughing for real. When they think im moody or angry when i dont want to talk its not that - its because i just dont want to talk and be loud all the time. Sometimes i just want to be chill with them but i dont know if they get that. I dont want them to think that ive changed because of a new school and people. Actually,  guess i have changed but its not exactly a change, im showing my true self at the same time.

I really do love them but i guess not all friendships of mine always stay forever.

Torn Apart

Why is everything always so separated here? One stays in one room, the other stays in another room and the other one stays in their room. All of us are never together. Not even simply just dinner we have together. Always separate in different places at different times. Even what we eat is different. Only cooks for ourselves but not for each other or doing it for the sake of me. You say you care but do you really? Why does every conversation always end up being an argument? The house is always so quiet but once someone starts to talk it becomes yelling and gets louder and louder. If you want to really leave just leave. Dont do it for me. I dont want your useless love for me.

Insecurities

Fucking shut up about the way i look. Yeah im skinny, yeah i have eczema and have hairs because i shave which makes it worse but you dont have to remind me every fucking time. Arent you supposed to be my mum and appreciate me by the way i look? I cant do anything about my eczema and my weight. I try to gain weight but it just doesnt work so leave me alone. I cant do anything about my acne at least be happy that its gotten better than before. You dont have to tell me all the time every time you see girls with nice bodys or arms and legs ive seen it enough that im sick of it.Just because i dont say anything back to you doesnt mean im okay with it.

JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE

Job Description

I have now come to a conclusion that i will never become a journalist after this assessment.

Someone SEND HELp

i cant do this holy shit.
hes so fucking cute.
i never knew these indirect messages could be so sweet and meaningful.
why is it that one person can do this to me.
i would never imagine experiencing something like this.
especially now. not now.
i like this feeling.

Talk To Me

ive come to a realisation i suck at continuing conversations online.

pls dont think i dont wanna talk to to u </3

RESTART

I honestly don't know what im writing right now. I forgot I had this so im gonna start using it again cause fucking why not. No ones gonna see it anyways so its ok. Im not usually the type to express my stuff online like this but like i said no ones gonna see so its all g. I remember i wrote on little pieces of paper and put it all in a box but now im just too lazy.

I have a feeling this isnt gonna last long either because anything i do never lasts cause i cant be fucked and that i give up on everything too easily. Whatever i do always ends up being given up on.

Im writing anything that comes into my head right now and, right now, i just want to be left alone. Can my dad stop bothering right now?! I finished my english assessment - well in a way - and im so tired and done with everything. Ive realised i dont do anything productive in my life besides going on the internet or doing homework, but thats rare.

Ive found a guy i really like and he makes so fucking happy and hes so fucking cute i cant deal. I never thought id actually hold hands with someone,  go on a date with them, play with their hair and just lean on their shoulder but i can do that with him and im just so fucking happy i can. If he ever sees this im so gone, ill be so embarrassed which should mean i shouldnt do it if that does happen but i cant help myself. Writing by hand is so tiring.

If i were to describe him i would say he has really pretty eyes. Ive always wanted to tell him that but can never bring myself to it. He makes me smile every time i see him or just think about him. Even now. His hands are always warm which makes me feel warm because mine are always so cold. When we talks about stuff i dont care about its ok because its him. Besides, i really like his voice. I told im before but i dont think he understands how much i really like listening to his voice. Its just, nice. Ive only known him for a few months but i would never expect something like this to happen. Hes such a dumbass with a stupid twitter picture but its ok cause hes a cute dumbass. He can be lame but what am i saying - im more lame than him haha. Everytime i see the girl that likes him i feel so sad inside but then i tell myself i shouldnt because even though we were friends she was the one that ruined it - not me. I have more to say but ill keep it for later.