Get Away

I went on another break again. I thought that writing on this blog wouldn't make a different to things and i shouldn't bother but sometimes i want to let things out without having to talk to anyone. I guess this is my 'get away' to things.

Ive felt so sad and tired these days. I think i know why but then i dont know. Is it cause im going on my period soon or just having mood swings i dont know but ive just felt so lonely. Like theres something missing in me making me feel empty. It could be because of my boyfriend and because of my friends or just me as a person.

When she said her and my other friend noticed ive been feeling sad and that my smile is different made me happy because it let me know they realised ive been acting different even though i tried not to show. He didnt. I dont want to outright tell him im not ok but having him notice it himself like i do with him made feel like he wont be there for me but ill be there for him. Like why should i give him my heart when he wont to me? Maybe im just exaggerating but it just makes me want to scream at him and to be there for me even if i dont say anything.

Im being a selfish person. Only wanting my friends to be my own but i shouldnt feel like that. Ive only met them this year even though weve connected really easily and shared tears, laughter and moments i feel like somethings missing still. Did i give my heart too easily? I dont know but i should appreciate them being there for me but im acting so selfish.

Did i get together with my boyfriend too fast? Am i being immature? I wanted to be mature about it but it just happened but she would say other couples or these soon to be couples are mature about it for not doing things fast and it would make me feel like she was maybe indirectly saying him and i werent mature and didnt think things through. Im probably overthinking things but it just makes me feel like that. She knows weve had some problems lately but it makes me feel bad about it then making me regret but it makes me think of things at a better perspective and to realise other things about this relationship that i havent thought of.

Why does he keep feeling like he's just there. He knows i like him.He knows ill be there for him but he keeps thinking like that. Is everything in this relationship just romantic feelings? Nothing else? When people say things about having your boyfriend be your boyfriend but also your bestfriend it makes me think were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Thats it. Like we have moments together that are fun and we act like idiots and all but does he really know me? Like obviously he wouldnt fully know me but at least a part of me. Does all he just want to do is just kiss me and makeout? I just want to talk with him like how we could before. Talk about the deep stuff once in a while at least without judging each other or making sarcastic comments and joking around.

I cant tell if anything is getting better at home or not. It still feels the same but things are changing. They ask for my opinion but they dont take it into account still. Whatever. They can do what they want. Its already falling apart.

I just want to lie in bed all day and have not have to bother with anything.