Sunday 27 September 2015
Monday 21 September 2015
Seen
Breathlessness
Checking if I lost followers
Trying to respond to messages to please people
Nervousness
Heart racing
Personas
Did I do something wrong? Did they understand what I'm trying to say? Did I make them laugh?
Why is it seen did I write something wrong
Let me talk to you.
Checking if I lost followers
Trying to respond to messages to please people
Nervousness
Heart racing
Personas
Did I do something wrong? Did they understand what I'm trying to say? Did I make them laugh?
Why is it seen did I write something wrong
Let me talk to you.
Saturday 19 September 2015
Doki Doki
He has my blog now. I gave it to him and hes most likely going to see this. Hey you - fuck you. <3
We talked about how we felt and i feel so bad for making him feel that way about how i acted around him at school. I dont want to say anything because i feel like itll sound like im just making excuses.
When people ask why i like him i say i dont know. There isnt anything major that makes me feel like a different person when im with him or we have this strong connection with each other but there are small things that i like about him which i think will slowly grow into something more later on.
I want to say these things to you in front of you but even now i still get shy talking about this things with you.
Ive told you how much i like your voice. When i say i can listen to it all day i really mean it. it just sounds so nice and soothing.
I like how whenever we hug each other really tight we almost fall over.
When we act like dumbasses together even when were so done with each other.
I like being able to kiss your mole on your neck.
When you hold my hand or just wrap your arms around my neck or waist makes me want to go close to you more.
When i can just be able to be near you and feel your warmth of your body.
When you play with my hands or just rub my back feels really nice and comforting.
When i get to hear your laugh especially from me makes me feel happy.
The way you look at me makes me want to kiss you all the time.
Those butterfly kisses you do on my cheek or hand makes me always laugh.
Its funny when you try to be 'romantic'.
You have really nice arms even if you think theyre sticks.
You have this nice scent of yours that smells nice whenever i hug you.
I like nestling in your chest since it feels warm and comfy.
I really appreciate those deep talks that weve only had a few times rarely and i hope we could have more.
These are just things that i can think of now but i like you so so so so much and really do appreciate you even if i dont show it as much. Sometimes i feel like i wont be able to like you as much as you do to me but i want to be able to. I dont want you to think these are just empty words i say and i wanna show you i do care about you and like you. I know you get jealous of my friends and im sorry about being like that to you when im with them but i dont want to say more since you might think i wont do anything but i want you to know i do appreciate you even if i dont show it youll see i do on here. I understand how you feel about the way i am when i see you at school and im sorry. Im really sorry. Im also sorry that even though i want to kiss you all the time i dont because i get really self conscious about how i am in public. Even though its people we dont know and stuff its just how i am with things.
For now i want to enjoy how things are with you and with my friends and when were finished with school and out in the real world i hope were still together and then we can enjoy life even more together.
We talked about how we felt and i feel so bad for making him feel that way about how i acted around him at school. I dont want to say anything because i feel like itll sound like im just making excuses.
When people ask why i like him i say i dont know. There isnt anything major that makes me feel like a different person when im with him or we have this strong connection with each other but there are small things that i like about him which i think will slowly grow into something more later on.
I want to say these things to you in front of you but even now i still get shy talking about this things with you.
Ive told you how much i like your voice. When i say i can listen to it all day i really mean it. it just sounds so nice and soothing.
I like how whenever we hug each other really tight we almost fall over.
When we act like dumbasses together even when were so done with each other.
I like being able to kiss your mole on your neck.
When you hold my hand or just wrap your arms around my neck or waist makes me want to go close to you more.
When i can just be able to be near you and feel your warmth of your body.
When you play with my hands or just rub my back feels really nice and comforting.
When i get to hear your laugh especially from me makes me feel happy.
The way you look at me makes me want to kiss you all the time.
Those butterfly kisses you do on my cheek or hand makes me always laugh.
Its funny when you try to be 'romantic'.
You have really nice arms even if you think theyre sticks.
You have this nice scent of yours that smells nice whenever i hug you.
I like nestling in your chest since it feels warm and comfy.
I really appreciate those deep talks that weve only had a few times rarely and i hope we could have more.
These are just things that i can think of now but i like you so so so so much and really do appreciate you even if i dont show it as much. Sometimes i feel like i wont be able to like you as much as you do to me but i want to be able to. I dont want you to think these are just empty words i say and i wanna show you i do care about you and like you. I know you get jealous of my friends and im sorry about being like that to you when im with them but i dont want to say more since you might think i wont do anything but i want you to know i do appreciate you even if i dont show it youll see i do on here. I understand how you feel about the way i am when i see you at school and im sorry. Im really sorry. Im also sorry that even though i want to kiss you all the time i dont because i get really self conscious about how i am in public. Even though its people we dont know and stuff its just how i am with things.
For now i want to enjoy how things are with you and with my friends and when were finished with school and out in the real world i hope were still together and then we can enjoy life even more together.
Friday 18 September 2015
Dare
I feel like I'm being just some girlfriend that gets jealous over everything especially when he kisses her cheek because of spin the bottle. ON THE FUCKING CHEEK WHATS WRONG WITH ME. He even said I kiss my friends cheek but not over spin the bottle. Not cause I did it just to have my other friend play, not because my friend who knows I'm in a relationship yet still asks me to kiss another girls cheek. I'll just get over it I guess. It was my first time getting jealous fully as well.
Lately I don't know if I'm being depressed or something. I've been tired and not eating much sometimes. I only eat sometimes when im out just cause people ask me to. Things are ok with my friends now but I don't know about him. Whenever we talk about things we don't like it always ends up being about how I am with my friends. I feel bad but it's just how my friendship is with them. It's so hard maintaining things all at the same time. I don't mind it because it's gonna happen but I don't know how I'm going to cope next year.
Lately I don't know if I'm being depressed or something. I've been tired and not eating much sometimes. I only eat sometimes when im out just cause people ask me to. Things are ok with my friends now but I don't know about him. Whenever we talk about things we don't like it always ends up being about how I am with my friends. I feel bad but it's just how my friendship is with them. It's so hard maintaining things all at the same time. I don't mind it because it's gonna happen but I don't know how I'm going to cope next year.
Friday 11 September 2015
Comfort
We talked today and it felt nice being in his arms and his warmth again. I still feel the emptiness inside of me still but it didnt feel like that when i was with him again. My friend said that it seemed like i wasnt being appreciate of him and didnt care for him and thought if he was being possessive in a way. I dont know. But i do know that i should let him know i really do care for him even if i dont express it a lot.
Thursday 10 September 2015
Approach Me
Im such a bitch. He does things for me yet i dont do anything back.I dont do anything to make him feel appreciated.
I fucked everything up - with my words and actions.
I fucked everything up - with my words and actions.
Ok
Am i being mean for saying im ok to people when im not ok yet when i say that i still want them to know im not? If i want them to know im not i should tell them right? But i dont want to. I want them to know themselves to see if they notice the small things about me. Im probably being a bitch for thinking that way..but even my own parents dont even know. My mum just thinks im sleepy when she sees my red eyes and i dont bother and just go along with it. Its not like shell really care anyways. I dont even remember the last time i cried in front of my mum and have her actually want to know whats wrong me with.
Get Away
I went on another break again. I thought that writing on this blog wouldn't make a different to things and i shouldn't bother but sometimes i want to let things out without having to talk to anyone. I guess this is my 'get away' to things.
Ive felt so sad and tired these days. I think i know why but then i dont know. Is it cause im going on my period soon or just having mood swings i dont know but ive just felt so lonely. Like theres something missing in me making me feel empty. It could be because of my boyfriend and because of my friends or just me as a person.
When she said her and my other friend noticed ive been feeling sad and that my smile is different made me happy because it let me know they realised ive been acting different even though i tried not to show. He didnt. I dont want to outright tell him im not ok but having him notice it himself like i do with him made feel like he wont be there for me but ill be there for him. Like why should i give him my heart when he wont to me? Maybe im just exaggerating but it just makes me want to scream at him and to be there for me even if i dont say anything.
Im being a selfish person. Only wanting my friends to be my own but i shouldnt feel like that. Ive only met them this year even though weve connected really easily and shared tears, laughter and moments i feel like somethings missing still. Did i give my heart too easily? I dont know but i should appreciate them being there for me but im acting so selfish.
Did i get together with my boyfriend too fast? Am i being immature? I wanted to be mature about it but it just happened but she would say other couples or these soon to be couples are mature about it for not doing things fast and it would make me feel like she was maybe indirectly saying him and i werent mature and didnt think things through. Im probably overthinking things but it just makes me feel like that. She knows weve had some problems lately but it makes me feel bad about it then making me regret but it makes me think of things at a better perspective and to realise other things about this relationship that i havent thought of.
Why does he keep feeling like he's just there. He knows i like him.He knows ill be there for him but he keeps thinking like that. Is everything in this relationship just romantic feelings? Nothing else? When people say things about having your boyfriend be your boyfriend but also your bestfriend it makes me think were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Thats it. Like we have moments together that are fun and we act like idiots and all but does he really know me? Like obviously he wouldnt fully know me but at least a part of me. Does all he just want to do is just kiss me and makeout? I just want to talk with him like how we could before. Talk about the deep stuff once in a while at least without judging each other or making sarcastic comments and joking around.
I cant tell if anything is getting better at home or not. It still feels the same but things are changing. They ask for my opinion but they dont take it into account still. Whatever. They can do what they want. Its already falling apart.
I just want to lie in bed all day and have not have to bother with anything.
Ive felt so sad and tired these days. I think i know why but then i dont know. Is it cause im going on my period soon or just having mood swings i dont know but ive just felt so lonely. Like theres something missing in me making me feel empty. It could be because of my boyfriend and because of my friends or just me as a person.
When she said her and my other friend noticed ive been feeling sad and that my smile is different made me happy because it let me know they realised ive been acting different even though i tried not to show. He didnt. I dont want to outright tell him im not ok but having him notice it himself like i do with him made feel like he wont be there for me but ill be there for him. Like why should i give him my heart when he wont to me? Maybe im just exaggerating but it just makes me want to scream at him and to be there for me even if i dont say anything.
Im being a selfish person. Only wanting my friends to be my own but i shouldnt feel like that. Ive only met them this year even though weve connected really easily and shared tears, laughter and moments i feel like somethings missing still. Did i give my heart too easily? I dont know but i should appreciate them being there for me but im acting so selfish.
Did i get together with my boyfriend too fast? Am i being immature? I wanted to be mature about it but it just happened but she would say other couples or these soon to be couples are mature about it for not doing things fast and it would make me feel like she was maybe indirectly saying him and i werent mature and didnt think things through. Im probably overthinking things but it just makes me feel like that. She knows weve had some problems lately but it makes me feel bad about it then making me regret but it makes me think of things at a better perspective and to realise other things about this relationship that i havent thought of.
Why does he keep feeling like he's just there. He knows i like him.He knows ill be there for him but he keeps thinking like that. Is everything in this relationship just romantic feelings? Nothing else? When people say things about having your boyfriend be your boyfriend but also your bestfriend it makes me think were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Thats it. Like we have moments together that are fun and we act like idiots and all but does he really know me? Like obviously he wouldnt fully know me but at least a part of me. Does all he just want to do is just kiss me and makeout? I just want to talk with him like how we could before. Talk about the deep stuff once in a while at least without judging each other or making sarcastic comments and joking around.
I cant tell if anything is getting better at home or not. It still feels the same but things are changing. They ask for my opinion but they dont take it into account still. Whatever. They can do what they want. Its already falling apart.
I just want to lie in bed all day and have not have to bother with anything.
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