Jigsaw

I think i know what i am now. I think ive come to a conclusion as to who i really am as a person. Not entirely but im putting the bits and pieces together and coming to a realisation. I dont know how he'll react but if he stays i know hes right for me - but if he doesnt...well i guess hes not the one. At least i have my friends there for me and thats all that matters.

Flutter

He kissed my cheek. He kissed my fucking cheek. HE KISSED ME CHEEK 5 TIMES IN ONE DAY!! DJGKDSHOGHEIRHGUHG When he holds my face and hugs me i cant take it. Its so warm and when he lets go, my hands slowly inches towards his wanting to hold it again. When he smiles, i smile. I like it when our feet are matched at the same time when we walk. I like when it when he tells me he doesnt care what other people say about us or if they look at us. I like it when he holds my hand tighter when theres a big crowd. I liked it when he fell asleep on me on the train.When hes not looking i like taking those small glances at him when he doesnt know and i smile to myself because of how happy and lucky i feel. I feel so breathless when we're so close.

Oh god hes just so beautiful.

Heartbeat

I wanted to die today. I wanted to die of happiness.
When he looks into my eyes i cant help but look away because i get so embarrassed.
I felt like crying tears of joy when he held my face and hugged me.
Why does he keep doing this to me? Its hasnt even been too long and hes making me feel this way.
Feel things ive never felt before and would never think i would feel them.
He makes me so happy.

Capability

Its so hard to keep friendships. I feel so bad when she messaged me saying we were drifting apart. I feel even more bad when i say that i feel closer to my new friends than to them but i cant help it. I feel more closer with my new friends that even though i only met them this year, it feels longer than that. But when i say that, i remember the times when me and them two would go out and have sleepovers and everything, but then i think to myself that they dont really know the real me at times. They dont know im more quiet and that the loud side of me is either a facade or if im laughing for real. When they think im moody or angry when i dont want to talk its not that - its because i just dont want to talk and be loud all the time. Sometimes i just want to be chill with them but i dont know if they get that. I dont want them to think that ive changed because of a new school and people. Actually,  guess i have changed but its not exactly a change, im showing my true self at the same time.

I really do love them but i guess not all friendships of mine always stay forever.

Torn Apart

Why is everything always so separated here? One stays in one room, the other stays in another room and the other one stays in their room. All of us are never together. Not even simply just dinner we have together. Always separate in different places at different times. Even what we eat is different. Only cooks for ourselves but not for each other or doing it for the sake of me. You say you care but do you really? Why does every conversation always end up being an argument? The house is always so quiet but once someone starts to talk it becomes yelling and gets louder and louder. If you want to really leave just leave. Dont do it for me. I dont want your useless love for me.

Insecurities

Fucking shut up about the way i look. Yeah im skinny, yeah i have eczema and have hairs because i shave which makes it worse but you dont have to remind me every fucking time. Arent you supposed to be my mum and appreciate me by the way i look? I cant do anything about my eczema and my weight. I try to gain weight but it just doesnt work so leave me alone. I cant do anything about my acne at least be happy that its gotten better than before. You dont have to tell me all the time every time you see girls with nice bodys or arms and legs ive seen it enough that im sick of it.Just because i dont say anything back to you doesnt mean im okay with it.

JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE

Job Description

I have now come to a conclusion that i will never become a journalist after this assessment.

Someone SEND HELp

i cant do this holy shit.
hes so fucking cute.
i never knew these indirect messages could be so sweet and meaningful.
why is it that one person can do this to me.
i would never imagine experiencing something like this.
especially now. not now.
i like this feeling.

Talk To Me

ive come to a realisation i suck at continuing conversations online.

pls dont think i dont wanna talk to to u </3

RESTART

I honestly don't know what im writing right now. I forgot I had this so im gonna start using it again cause fucking why not. No ones gonna see it anyways so its ok. Im not usually the type to express my stuff online like this but like i said no ones gonna see so its all g. I remember i wrote on little pieces of paper and put it all in a box but now im just too lazy.

I have a feeling this isnt gonna last long either because anything i do never lasts cause i cant be fucked and that i give up on everything too easily. Whatever i do always ends up being given up on.

Im writing anything that comes into my head right now and, right now, i just want to be left alone. Can my dad stop bothering right now?! I finished my english assessment - well in a way - and im so tired and done with everything. Ive realised i dont do anything productive in my life besides going on the internet or doing homework, but thats rare.

Ive found a guy i really like and he makes so fucking happy and hes so fucking cute i cant deal. I never thought id actually hold hands with someone,  go on a date with them, play with their hair and just lean on their shoulder but i can do that with him and im just so fucking happy i can. If he ever sees this im so gone, ill be so embarrassed which should mean i shouldnt do it if that does happen but i cant help myself. Writing by hand is so tiring.

If i were to describe him i would say he has really pretty eyes. Ive always wanted to tell him that but can never bring myself to it. He makes me smile every time i see him or just think about him. Even now. His hands are always warm which makes me feel warm because mine are always so cold. When we talks about stuff i dont care about its ok because its him. Besides, i really like his voice. I told im before but i dont think he understands how much i really like listening to his voice. Its just, nice. Ive only known him for a few months but i would never expect something like this to happen. Hes such a dumbass with a stupid twitter picture but its ok cause hes a cute dumbass. He can be lame but what am i saying - im more lame than him haha. Everytime i see the girl that likes him i feel so sad inside but then i tell myself i shouldnt because even though we were friends she was the one that ruined it - not me. I have more to say but ill keep it for later.